A Persian rug from the 17th century that sold in New York City on Wednesday has set a new record of $33.7 million. This surpassed the old record of $9.6 million for a rug sold by Southbeys in London in 2010. My research team of Bubba and Billy Bob saw a picture of this online and observed that it didn’t look near as impressive as the rug on Donald Trump’s head. They immediately started doing some research to see if his net worth is tied to his cranial covering. As of the writing, the jury was still out.  

In the intellectually-challenged criminal department, a man was arrested in Colorado Springs because he decided to urinate on a KFC building. He had a $2 million dollar arrest warrant out of California and had managed to evade authorities for thirteen years. I guess he didn’t whiz under the radar this time.

In Syracuse a would-be copper thief decided to have a couple of coldbeers. (No, that’s not a typo.  In Oklahoma it’s one word.) After finding a case of beer in the house, he broke into and left his DNA behind. Twenty-nine year old Moses Wilson was arrested for burglary.

A 105-year-old New Zealand man is still enjoying driving his car and says it doesn’t consider himself old. That is funny. I love his spirit.

A slight change in a law in Germany has led to the country losing their longest word “Rindfleischetikettierungsue­berwachungsaufgabenuebertra­gungsgesetz.” Don’t ask me what it means. I fell asleep five times while typing it.

Officials in the small town of Galena, Alaska were concerned that rotting meat due to power outages would start attracting bears. President Obama was reportedly dejected because his last report said we were in a bull market.

The Alamogordo, New Mexico City Commission has granted a Canadian Company permission to search its landfill where terrible Atari games are supposed to be buried.

There is apparently a cult following on these. I’m sure I will read some conspiracy theorist idea that this is really just Sheriff Joe overstepping his jurisdiction looking for illegals.